Me, Myself and I

2007-12-03T17:24:00.001+01:00

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2004-01-21T17:10:00.000+01:00

-Nur für Tobi-

... hier für die letzte treue Seele auf diesem Planeten, der den Blog noch nicht aufgegebenn hat, einen ganz dicken

*SCHMATZ*

2003-09-05T21:22:00.000+02:00

-Walls-

"Why am I doing this to myself?"

True, very true indeed. These few words of wisdom are scribbeled on the wall of one of these little cabins inside that public libary which I call my second home right now. Well, why am I? It's hard to find an accurate answer. It it really anbitiousness? Or just fear? Insecurity? No idea... But on days like this, the question keeps popping up in my mind.

"Don't give up, even though you think that you can't make it!"

Some more words of wisdom that another anonymous writer felt compelled to share with the libary walls...
Can I make it? Sure can.
But again... on days like this, even the magic number of remaining days (18 from today) loses it's soothing effect. I study 14 hours a day. Get up in the dark, study, go to sleep...
It's gets to me. I know that this all ends very soon, but on days like this...
I wish that you could be here to hold me cause I fear that otherwise I'd crumble to pieces.

2003-08-31T21:52:00.000+02:00

-Fall-

The scent of fall is all around. Summer was gone so sudden that everyone shivers with this sudden decrease of temperature.
For me, fall is always associated with a new beginning. So, these mornings that are so fresh and chilly, this breeze and those falling leaves are signs of a new start. I'm going to leave my home and my city in some weeks. And I feel that the time to do so has come. I feel so ready to go. Like an athlete waiting for the starting signal. Tense, wide awake, taking a deep breath of this delicious air.

2003-08-23T00:00:00.000+02:00

-25 Reasons-

Why do I love you?

It might take some time, and thinking, to try to answer that question…
It’s hard to put feelings into words, but I will nevertheless try. The reasons below are the result of a little brainstorming, just whatever my mind came up with, in no particular order. I could add many more.

I love you
Because you’re sensitive
Because you are in touch with your feelings, no matter how confusing they might be
Because your laughter is delicious
Because I still see us in those flashbacks
Because I adore your sleepy voice
Because the bad times you’ve been through left their scars and made you unique
Because you’re a good listener
Because you are witty (in an almost Shakespearian way)
Because you’re not getting used to the bad things around you
Because looking into your eyes moves me
Because you can bring me back down to earth and lift me up at the same time
Because of your excellent musical taste
Because you have tiny hands and feet
Because you are honest
Because you’re a geek (:-)
Because you’re watching me in my sleep
Because you’re opinionated
Because there’s no place on earth where I’d rather be when I’m with you
Because you are smart, but you don’t show off with it
Because you have a good heart
Because you endure my shrinkiness
Because you’re beautiful
Because, yes, there has been some magic between us
Because we can communicate
Because you make me feel loved
Because you are the person you are.

2003-08-19T22:57:00.000+02:00

-Today-

Spaziergang nach einer Enttäuschung

Da hätte mich also wieder einmal
eine der hausschlachtenen Ohrfeigen ereilt,
die das eigens hierzu gegründete Schicksal
in beliebiger Windstärke und Zahl
an die Umstehenden gratis verteilt.

Na schön. Der Weg des Lebens ist wellig.
Man soll die Steigungen nicht noch steigern.
Es war mal wieder eine Ohrfeige fällig.
Ich konnte die Annahme schlecht verweigern.

So ein Schlag ins vergnügte Gesicht
klingt für den, der ihn kriegt, natürlich sehr laut,
weil das Schicksal mit Liebe zur Sache zuhaut.
Tödlich sind diese Ohrfeigen hingegen nicht.
Der Mensch ist entsprechend gebaut.

Jedoch, wenn ich den See betrachte
und die schneeweiß gedeckten Berge daneben,
muß ich denken, was ich schon häufig dachte:
Diese Art Ohrfeigen brauchte es nicht zu geben.

Da rennt man nun die Natur entlang
und ist froh, daß man keinem begegnet.
Die Vögel verüben Chorgesang.
Die Sonne scheint im Überschwang.
Aber innen hat's ziemlich geregnet.

Das Schicksal wird mich noch öfter äffen
und schlagen, wie es mich heute schlug.
Vielleicht wird man durch Schaden wirklich klug?
Mich müssen noch viele Schläge treffen,
bevor mich der Schlag trifft!
Und damit genug.

(Erich Kästner)

... Ich denke, dieses Gedicht trifft meine heutigen Tag ziemlich gut. In Ermangelung eigener Worte lass ich also einfach mal diese Zeilen sprechen...

2003-08-17T00:00:00.000+02:00

-#44-

If the dullest substance of my flesh were thought,

Injurious distance should not stop my way;

For then, despite of space, I would be brought

From limits far remote, where thou dost stay.

No matter then although my foot did stand

Upon the farthest earth remov’d from thee;

For nimble thought can jump both sea and land

As soon as think the place where he would be.

But ah, thought kills me that I am not thought,

To leap large lengths of miles where thou art gone,

But that, so much of earth and water wrought,

I must attend time’s leisure with my moan;

Receiving nought by elements so slow

But heavy tears, badges of each other’s woe

W.S.

For you.

2003-08-11T23:11:00.000+02:00

-Not sure how to put this...-

I hate the evenings.
Daytime is ok, but I’m about to crash for sure once daylight has faded. I hate how days pass without even starting. On days like this, not even the conviction this misery being about to come to an end soon can give me some relief.
Six more weeks.
I’m sitting here, not able to speak or think clearly. Unable to communicate. Too much silence in this room. Too much Tori Amos for this kinda mood. Too much noise for a good night’s sleep. The world outside has to remind me of other people having a life out there.
Six more weeks.

I feel like I shouldn’t pretend to be stronger that I really are.

2003-08-10T23:15:00.000+02:00

-Live and Learn-

Well...
we all grow older and wiser...(at least most of us... I guess)
Even I can't help it. And therefore I am willing to share this weekend's most essential insights with you.

1) I can really be a snobbish bitch from time to time.
And I'm really glad that I have some people around me who actually notice this and remind me of it.

2) Arguing + speaking your mind= good. Botteling up = bad.
Cause if you argue with your loved one, it doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you any more (leftover irrational thoughts from previous experiences here), just the opposite. But I still have to learn how to do it right.

3) Aging. Oh shit. I am going to be in serious self-esteem trouble once I reach that age in which people stop giving you that indulgent smile whenever you complain about it. So what about inner peace and acceptance and that stuff? Where can I buy that?

2003-08-07T08:27:00.000+02:00

-40 Degrees-

I Sweat.

2003-08-05T23:56:00.000+02:00

-Late Summer Nights-

Summer’s in its full bloom now. Temperatures are rising up to 40 degrees during the day. It’s impossible to even breathe properly when you’re outside.
But I like the nights. Those late summer nights always remind me of a time in my life that has long, long gone. Reminds me of being 19 again. We had the summer of our lives back then. I rarely ever felt as intensely as I did back then.
Fell in love and out again…
got hurt …
and I recovered…
Pathetically simple as things usually.
But still… when I think back, I always recall those late summer nights in the city, heavily scented with flowers and this scent of the concrete that is slowly cooling down during the night.
I see pictures of myself driving home late at night, listening to that special Jazz CD. Just graduated from high-school and applied for college. Everything was so open back then, everything seemed possible. And it was summer, a hot one… just like now.
And now, again… I’m about to start out a new chapter of my life… about to move away to wherever life may take me. Today’s one of those rare days when I finally manage to look beyond my daily horizon that ends behind the library. Today, I see things from a distance. Just like I’m watching the street out of my window in the third floor… Smoking a cigar, listening to that Jazz CD…

And I’m happy.

2003-08-05T00:10:00.000+02:00

-Zwei von Millionen von Sternen-

wir waren 2 von Millionen von Sternen
die sich immer mehr voneinander entfernen
wir waren 2 von Millionen von Sternen
die sich immer mehr voneinander entfernen
von der Erde aus noch am selben Himmel zu finden
doch dabei jeder in seinem eigenen All zu verschwinden

Er fuhr die Rolltreppe herunter
ich fuhr sie hinauf
er machte gerade die Augen zu
ich machte sie gerade auf

für einen kurzen Moment
waren wir uns nah
obwohl er mich nicht
nur ich ihn sah

wir waren 2 von Millionen von Sternen
die sich immer mehr voneinander entfernen
wir waren 2 von Millionen von Sternen
die sich immer mehr voneinander entfernen
von der Erde aus noch am selben Himmel zu finden
doch dabei jeder in seinem eigenen All zu verschwinden

der Sommer kam mit dir zusammen
du hast ihn mitgebracht
ich habe euch umarmt
du hast viel gelacht

der Sommer war
Millionen Jahre alt
ich wusste wenn einer von euch geht
dann wird es kalt

wir waren 2 von Millionen von Sternen
die sich immer mehr voneinander entfernen
wir waren 2 von Millionen von Sternen
die sich immer mehr voneinander entfernen
von der Erde aus noch am selben Himmel zu finden
doch dabei jeder in seinem eigenen All zu verschwinden

(2Raumwohnung)

... no, things will never be like this...

2003-08-04T00:35:00.000+02:00

-Bittersweet Weekend...-

This really sucks...

I returned from a weekend of sweet relaxation at home and, at least, less studying. I came to meet some of my friends that I haven’t seem more than maybe once this year. And I realised just how much fun we have. And how well we do get along. At the same time I just didn’t have the time to really catch up with them, no time for really asking them about what’s on their mind… Instead, we talked about movies, literature, the usual… But nice, nice, nice. I love it how challenging conversations can develop just effortless when you’re with the right people. But what it comes down to is: I lack time. And also this: The most crucial problem I have in my life right now is distance! There’s an unbearable distance between me and my beloved S., a less big distance between me and my old friends that live scattered all over the country. Why can’t we all live in the same corner of the world? Like me, Seba, his friends (don’t know ‘em yet but I bet they’re cool :) and mine. Oh, and his cat, maybe…

2003-08-01T00:27:00.000+02:00

Here we go again...
This all too familiar feeling starts floating through her body like countless times before. Her brain cells seem to have liquidated and turned into some sort homogenous slime. The ability to think clearly has vanished ages ago.
In her mouth there?s nothing but this nauseating daily taste of emptiness.
"Why am I doing this to myself?"
The question of questions. Whirling around in her mistreated head for the one-million-and-first time. Why do some persons only seem to be able to feel good when they're miserable? Why does she keep pushing herself beyond her own limits? Why can she only feel relief when she's cracking from exhaustion?
She looks down at her feet. Dusty, with sad remains of glittery polish sticking to the nails. Witnesses of better times.
"How can I get through this?"
She's been feeling like an acrobat for the past couple of months. Dancing on a rope, balancing between past and future, nourished equally by memories and hopes. It's love that prevents her from finally crashing, she realises. It's been love all along, that has, time and time again, spun it's delicate cotton threads around her. That protected her.
Even now, in this self-imposed prison that secludes her from the rest of the world, she can feel it.
She can still feel him.
His touch is tattooed on her skin, leaving an aftertaste of this long-lost carefree life. This life that seems centuries ago.
But he's still there.
Representing the evidence that all this is more than merely a soothing daydream made up by her sore brain cells in order to get a rare moment of relief.
And she knows.
She knows that she's going to make it. That it's just a matter of time. That there's a reason to keep going.
Him.

2003-07-24T22:33:00.000+02:00

-Geekism-

This post is dedicated to all the fellow geeks out there.
Within this text, I am going to list some evidence of why geeks are in fact the better people. First of all, we have to address the tricky question of finding a definition of geekism. What is a geek?
Ok, let’s try the conventional way: Oxford’s Advanced Learner’s Dictionary.
Hmmm….

Gee interj (also gee-up) used for telling a horse, etc to start, or go faster.

Geese pl of goose.

Ok. I guess it should be somewhere between the horse and the goose.

Well, geeky as I am, I should, instead of flipping through my dictionary, probably rather try to look it up the usual way, which is of course online. And, two seconds later, there it is.

“GEEK
n. Slang
1. A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.
2. A person regarded as foolish, inept, or clumsy.
3. A carnival performer whose show consists of bizarre acts, such as biting the head off a live chicken. “

Ok… I’m not sure if That’s an official definition, but, given the fact that this is not yet my doctoral dissertation, it will do for the moment. I guess the essence of the normal definition of a geek is the aspect of being talented in a specific area, which is normally not regarded as outstandingly cool (e.g. like breeding giant grasshoppers … and believe it or not, I know a guy who does). In addition to this, geeks are said to have a level of social competence that comes pretty much down to zero. All in all: We are reminded of those poor fellows that mostly spent high-school recess alone, locked inside the restroom. Those guys who always got their woolen hats or geography books snatched and hidden by the other kids. I don’t know how about you, but these pictures of the young geeks that I just described evoke this almost subliminal, uneasy feeling inside my stomach.
… And you know why? Cause I was one of them. And, actually, lots of my friends were. And, yes, today I dare to say it out loud (and with GeekPride J): I am a geek. Why deny it? I bet you’re already waiting for me to give you some colorful descriptions of the aspects of my own geekiness… And, of course, I will not let you down. Here’s a small selection of the wide range:
I am a geek because…
- I get offline messages instead of a good-morning kiss
- I love Czech fairytale movies
- I finally managed to sleep without my teddy bear at the age of 21
- I mostly communicate with my friends by SMS
- I’m a big fan of science reports and crime documentaries on TV
- I fell for S. before even having met him
- I don’t know if I own a pair of really matching socks
- I tend to adopt the language of the book that I currently read

… And this only a tiny little glimpse at the full extent of my geekiness. Anyway. In case you’re not sure yet whether you are a geek or not, you should just test it.
What happens to geeks when they grow up? Geeks go to college, that’s for sure. And then? Then, they meet fellow geeks, some soulmates. And for the first time they realise that being geeky doesn’t necessarily have to be bad. There’s nothing like letting out your inner geek with your friends. Like writing some semi-pervert limericks about Goethe and Schiller whilst hanging out wasted in this college bar. Like trying to make your own horror B-movie and having a hard time mixing all the artificial blood (really tricky to get the right consistency!). Like… ok, I guess you’re getting it already.
Being geeky is being different. It’s about being so far from the regular definition of coolness that you can just create your own definition as well. What I like about geeks is that they (we) mostly had to go through some shitty times in their life. But this is also what creates a personality, what adds depth to your character. A geek is a down-to-earth person, geeky indeed, but in any case pretty much the best friend you can get.

So, goodnight you people out there. And: Vive le Geek!

2003-07-22T18:03:00.000+02:00

-Phew!-

Alright... how to put it?

-I got an A!-

Yay! One 6th done!
Sb bring some wine and cigars to celebrate!

2003-07-21T21:58:00.000+02:00

-Countdown...-

Well.... the countdown has begun... tomorrow at noon I'll have the first one of those all in all seven oral exams that my diploma in shrinkology consists of.
Oh boy... the general mood here is currently revolving from aall relaxed to almost desperate (changing by the minute, of course).
Anyway. I've done all i possibly could.

Wish me success, you people out there...

2003-07-19T09:49:00.000+02:00

-Pathetic, pathetic life...-

Alright, even if i highly run the risk of being stigmatised as Queen Geek here I guess that I should dedicate some lines to the following.
Let me abbreviate all this a little and paste the bottom line right here:

My life right now sucks.

I told you about all this exam shit, but by now this studying mania is just growing far out of proportion. I pretty much live inside the libary. No, I do Not have a toothbrush inside my locker, but that's pretty much the only think that's still missing. We're studying for like 12 hrs a day. Just picture this. At night I end up being nothing but this whining, complaining exhausted thing who couldn't even speak properly (mildly amusing for my Senor Boyfriend, mildly shocking for myself)...
But anyway... on tuesday my first oral exam is due. Wish me luck, you people out there.

One thing that particularly illustrates this pathetic, monotonous current life of mine is the following little episode. I have a desk near the window. On the window, there's always a bunch of flies, lazily hanging out on the glass... Believe it or not, but as time went by I came to Distinguish between each of them... There's this little brown one with red eyes, the Huge fat black one that looks hairy indeed (I'm going to smash it one day... but I'm still saving that pleasure for a particularly frustrated moment, har har), the normal prototypical one and two baby ones. Though I thing that they're only midgets, not baby flies... two other ones died last morning and I found them on my desk, legs pointing upwards into the air...
Pathetic.
Fortunately this is aaall gonna end in about two months.

2003-07-14T22:25:00.000+02:00

-NomadGirl-

During the past couple of days I came to think about the kinda life I live... I somehow feel like some sort of modern nomad. Summing it all up, I've been living in seven different appartments on two different continents within the past six years. Now that I've stayed at my current appartment for over two years I feel a certain itch to pack my bags and get going again. Strange, cause the need of changing location is in sharp contrast with my silent wish to find a place to rest. I feel like fially accumulating loads of stuff that belongs to me, to have many things around me cause the things that belong to you are some sort of extention of yourself and of the person you are.
It's impressing to know that you are capable of starting out a life somewhere with nothing but the two suitcases you have. But it also makes you realize that material things are in fact more than just stuff, but associated with your life and your experiences.
Being a constant traveller has many peculiar side effects. Here in Germany it's more or less customary not to live on your own when you're in college but to share your appartment with some housemates. So I already have a considerable collection of ex-housemates...
My first appartment was located on a small hill above the city. At that time I was still thinking in metropolitan dimensions, not knowing that I just picked a place to live at the world's very ass....lightyears away from college. Anyway. Might still be a nice place after all, with forest all around and birds singing in front of your window. It had one tiny little flaw only. Bathroom and kitchen were situated in One room. yes, in One room, you're getting it quite right. Unfortunately the room wasn't that small, so we haven't had the convenient privilege of being able to stir the pot on the oven while sitting on the loo. My roommate at that time was a Polish girl, a law student. She was quite nice, I kept loads of good memories of her, whereas she decided to keep my bracelets.
After that I moved in with a close friend at that time. We got along great, apart from our different cleaning attitudes... The appartment was a mess, totally falling to pieces after all. A damp, moist, mouldy place.... But in the middle of the old downtown quarter, therefore we've been able to enjoy the drunk noises of All those partying college kids striding past our windows...Yeah, the appartment was on the ground floor. Therefore it always offered some nice surprises, such as Japanese tourists staring through our window, taking pics...(not kidding).
Then I decided to contemporarily move into ChaosLand, also known as my (now ex-) boyfriend's place. He lived with two fellow sociologists, all three of them total messies. Warnings like "You better put some shoes on before going into the kitchen" or "Careful, the dirty dishes are mouldy again" were pretty common at that time. I didn't care cause I was outta there in a couple of months.
After that I lived in a decadently gorgeous place, our little house on Meadowbrook Drive in Syracuse, NY, USA. I found my roomies over the internet and instantly liked them (them and our Chihuahua named Taco). Every room was fully furnished cause that one girl got her bosses' entire household after she got divorced and had to get rid of that stuff...:) It was really nice and unconventional, especially for American standards. I was living with a straight-edge vegan, a vegetarian environmental scientist and a fellow shrink. I's also like to point out that at that time, thx to my 9$ flatrate and ICQ I was able to first "meet" that Latin American guy who now turned out to be the person that I've been dreaming of...
Back to Germany, to my former boyfriend's new place. Lived with him for some months in a totally anonymous appartment where the roomies ceased to communicate at all... Strange. Good thing: Thai takeaway on the ground floor.
Moved back and forth a little, e.g. back to my parent's house (huge backyard, fruits, veggies, family, small room stuffed with teenage things and memories).... then finally to where I am now.
I live with three other people, a man and woman who are over 40 years old and a fellow shrink girl. The man turned out to be a messy whose room is filled with trash up to the ceiling...
I like being here.
Even though I want to leave again. I need to. There's an entire world out there waiting for me. There's my heart, telling me to go to Buenos Aires. Soon.
And there's me, smiling at whatever the future might bring...

2003-07-13T11:06:00.000+02:00

Here's more poetry...

2003-07-12T11:16:00.000+02:00

-Star - Crossed-

Right here
My eyes resting on you
Right now
Casting a spell for a
Starry night's dream
So I can

Linger in proximity
Unwrap in your breath
Bypass continents
Split by gauze veils
Donate my fragility
And
Dare to touch yours.

I'm at your side
My star-crossed lover
Giving shelter in warmth
And
Rest until past dawn.

2003-07-11T19:47:00.000+02:00

-Calm-Panicked-

Feeling calm can sometimes be really dangerous and misleading...
I’m sitting here, calm even slightly below the surface, facing the first one of my exams in not much more than two weeks.
Here I am, the perfectionist, who started studying in february already.. and I’m not really sure whether or not I’ve really learned Anything.
Here I am, the personification of a burnout. Drowsiness is always with me, equally caused by too much and too little sleep.
Totally knocked out today. Knocked out by the heat, by the humidity, knocked out by this feeling of pressure inside my head.
I was staring at my books today like through an omnipresent gauze veil, with a shadowed gaze and mind and a taste of emptiness in my mouth. Therefore I gave up. At least until tomorrow.

2003-07-11T19:18:00.000+02:00

This is complicated...
Trying out the first steps of blogging is really harder than I thought it would be...
Ok, sorry to whoever might get the idea of reading this blog, but I guess it might still take me a lil' while 'till I'll figure out how to make this thing look better...
Anyway.
I'm kinda stressed lately (exams), therefore I won't be able to write much.
After that I'll be able to deal with the REALLY important things in life again....:)
Like: How on earth do I change the font? Why doesn't this freaking thing do what I want it to do?!
:-)

2003-07-02T19:37:00.000+02:00

Lool at her..."La Divina"...
In case you don't know her... this is Maria Callas :) Up to now my all-time fave opera singer.

She sounds so supernatural... truly deserved being called "divine".
I once tried to describe her voice as..."not bound to gravity. It's floating gracefully. She's singing without effort and pressure. Just lightly, like without a body surrounding the voice.
Strange, but Callas is the only opera singer that makes my Body react to the music. It's just Emotion. Her voice is like glass, colorless and transcluent, yet of a sharp brilliance. It's of a perfect smoothness, yet it can cut something to pieces."

I think in case you don't know what I'm talking about yet you should, even if you haven't found a connection to opera music, just listen to her, at least once.

Anyway.... I'm off to listen to a lecture about her tonight... Maybe it finally helps me to understand how a human being could possibly have a voice like this...:)

2003-07-02T01:04:00.000+02:00

Speechless today...
Good night ...